A Snarky History of Valentine’s Day, From Rome to Retail
A Brief, Snarky History of Valentine’s Day
(Or: How We Ruined Love With Glitter)
Ancient Rome: “This Seems Healthy”
Valentine’s Day starts with a Roman festival where people sacrificed animals, ran around half-naked, and lightly whipped women with goat hides to promote fertility.
Nothing says romance like public nudity and agricultural superstition. Somehow, we looked at this and thought, “You know what this needs? Chocolate.”
Early Christianity: Brand Rehab
The Church, seeing the chaos, does what it does best: rebrands it. Enter Saint Valentine—possibly one guy, possibly three guys, definitely executed. The details are fuzzy, but the message is clear:
Love… but make it martyrdom.
The Middle Ages: Feelings, But Inconvenient
Poets decide February 14 is when birds fall in love, so humans should too. This results in elaborate love poems written by people who are:
Already married
Not allowed to touch
Deeply miserable
Basically, Valentine’s Day becomes an exercise in emotional edging.
The Victorians: Pretty, Passive-Aggressive Monsters
Victorians turn Valentine’s Day into a full-blown industry. Lace cards. Flowery language. Also: anonymous insult valentines.
Nothing like receiving a decorative note that says, “You’re ugly and I hope you die alone 💐.”
The 20th Century: Capitalism Enters the Chat
Companies realize love can be monetized. Suddenly, if you don’t buy candy, flowers, jewelry, and a card written by a stranger, you don’t love hard enough.
Romance is now a performance review.
Modern Valentine’s Day: Everyone Loses
If you’re single: it’s a 24-hour reminder you exist in a couple-centric economy.
If you’re partnered: congrats, you’re now under pressure to prove it.
If you’re dating casually: What are we doing?
If you’re married: you forgot, didn’t you.
Restaurants jack up prices. Social media turns love into a competition. Someone cries in a Target aisle.
The Gifts: A Study in Confusion
Chocolate: delicious, but symbolic of guilt
Flowers: expensive, beautiful, already dying
Cards: $7 to say what you could’ve texted
Jewelry: hope you guessed the right metal
February 15: The Real Holiday
The day after Valentine’s Day is the true celebration:
Discount candy
Lower expectations
No heart-shaped anything
Peace returns. Nature heals.
The Moral of the Story
Valentine’s Day began as chaos, evolved into poetry, and ended as a marketing campaign with feelings attached.
Love is complicated.
Humans are messy.
And no relationship has ever been saved by a teddy bear holding a heart.
Still—if you’re into it? Go hard.
If you’re not? Order takeout.
Either way, eat the chocolate.
Artists That Changed Song Lyrics (And Why)
Gallery Credit: Lauryn Schaffner